18 Years Ago: May 1st--Simon's 18th birthday is coming

Eighteen years ago today I awaited my first baby, my first birth. I lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan, with my husband, Markus. I kept notes in a journal book by Sheila Kitzinger called "Pregnancy Day By Day," a thoughtful gift from a neighbor in Family Housing. I highly recommend the book, if it's still in print. My baby's due date was May 9th.

May 1, 1997, a Saturday, was the last day of Week 39. My note that day: "started maternity leave!"

Today under a steady but not entirely unpleasant rain, Markus, Miriam and I joined his parents (up from Stuttgart) and his sister and her husband (visiting from Berlin) on a walk around the vineyards and Hohenbeilstein castle in Beilstein. May 1st is a holiday in Germany--Tag der Arbeit (like Labor Day). We eventually found shelter in a Weinstube and had a pleasant meal washed down by wine grown on the surrounding hills.

I've been wondering how to approach this month of May in 2015. As I have written before, my son Simon was born on May 17, 1997. It's a joyous day and a joyous time of year, all flowering tree and strawberries. And it's a mystifying day because I now experience it without him here. Eleven years ago we celebrated his 7th birthday, knowing it would be his last. And now?

Today I re-filled a container with sparkling white sand for the Simon candle in our living room. We've somewhat dropped the custom, one we began at Simon's memorial service. We light little candles from a central flame, each person taking a moment to choose a color, to draw flame from the light we call Simon's light, and to set the candle in the sand. Ritual comfort.

Simon candle, 2015

I plan to light candles, read my journal from 1997, and write some blog posts this May. An absent 18th birthday--what does it mean?

Here are some previous posts about Simon's birthday.

Happy 17th Birthday, Simon Craig Vodosek (pt 1) (2014)
Happy 17th Birthday, Simon Craig Vodosek (pt 2) (2014)
May 17th Coming Up (2011)